What is your full name and its origins? What about any nicknames?

My name is Whitney, and it originates from ancient Greece, it was the surname for Zeus, Hades, and Kevin Bacon; effectively making me the heir of the Bacon franchize and entitling me to the credit for all of the Tremors movies.

Have you any claims to fame?

Apart for being the heir of everything everywhere, I've made my own accomplishments, such as watching the entirity of Death Note on MegaUpload in one sitting.

How would you introduce yourself?

I'm so famous, introductions are not necessary, but you can kiss my feet if you'd like. Try to avoid the toe jam there, I'm trying to build a full-scale model of the Death Star before the world ends in 2012.

If you are famous in your world, how would you introduce yourself to someone who had never heard of you?

I'm famous in every world, and everybody has heard of me, this question is illogical and should only be answered to those not of the blood, and by the term "the blood" I am most certainly referring to the sacrifice of our lord and savior (and my alter ego) Kevin Bacon.

Which of your culture's achievements do you hold in highest regard?

- Well we did slay those groundworms, despite rapid evolution capabilities, but I'd have to say the greatest accomplishment of our culture is without a doubt, Superjail! A close second was stealing the concepts, script, and character design of The Office from the Brits before they abducted Adult Swim.

Achievements?

Did I stutter?

As a child, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I was never a child, I was always a sucessful adult, no older than 22, and the only documents of my supposed childhood are IQ tests that score me as having the mental capabilities of the child of Albert Einstein's brain after a steamy mating session with the brain of Thomas Hobbes, Karl Marx, Sigmund Freud, and Buffalo Bill.

What was your most prized possession as a child? Do you still have it?

I think you have a hearing disability.

What would you change about yourself, if you could?

Perhaps I could do with a hair-cut; but the problem is that my hair never grows, and it is made out of pure brunette diamonds (the most rare kind, an entire civilization of highly advanced mole people were mercilessly slaughtered under the Amazon riverbeds in the city of Amalantis, which is sometimes confused for the mythical city of Atlantis, to which it is extremely similar, except Amalantis is much more mystical, mysterious, and existing), and therefore can not be cut.

What are you obsessed with?

Obsession is a weakness, so I abstain. This should be painstakingly obvious.

What is your greatest achievement so far, or the high point of your career?

Probably assassinating JFK in my sleep while riding atop Lee Harvey Oswald after I had turned him into a mule. I shortly thereafter framed him for not only the murder of JFK, but Abraham Lincoln, the Black Dahlia, 80's hairbands, the Lord of the Rings, and of course the infamous murder of Julius Caesar. "Et tu, Oswald?"

-When/where were you happiest?

Happiness is an illusion. All I know is 'ball', and 'good'. And 'rape'.

And the lowest point in your life thus far?

Peewee Herman's passing was particularly hard on me.

What was the best decision you ever made?

Every decision I make is my best decision, as I lack the ability to make mistakes.

If you have any body modifications, which was most painful, or which do you regret the most? If you haven't got any, do you have any planned, or would you ever consider getting any?

I do not need to modify my body, as I am all-powerful and able to mold my shape at any time I desire.

What is the most idiotic thing you have ever done while intoxicated?

I do not become intoxicated. When I drink, the overwhelming beauty and charisma of my eloquent thirst quenching is so potent that instead the alcohol becomes intoxicated and I have to call it a cab home.

What is your favourite joke?

Jokes do not amuse me.

What is the coolest/most impressive thing you own?

Probably the entire universe. It's pretty large and impressive, I think if I ever felt the primal instinct to brag I'd probably go into more detail about its all-encompasing expansiveness, spilling out into everything ever and making it all mine, exclusively. But bragging is for the weak minded.

When did you last cry, and why?

Do you remember Noah? Yeah, he could tell you.

What's the best piece of advice you've ever had?

I do not require advice, as I am the epitome of perfection.

Similarly, what's the nicest thing anyone's ever done for you?

I do not rely on others.

Have you any vices?

No, I grant access to no weaknesses.


Do you regret anything?

No, I have never done anything wrong.

What is the best invention ever?

My existance.

How would you describe your relationship with your family?

I have no need for oedipal relations, and so I murdered them seven thousand years ago, although if I need to attend a colloquial gathering at which it would be customary to invite my relatives, I simply ressurect them, push away the stone from the door of their tomb, and then ask the virgin Mary to get the hell out of the way, as Grandpa is old and he may trip over her pathetic form.

Who is your biggest inspiration?

Myself, obviously...

What are you going to do when you've finished this interview?

Create life on fifteen thousand other planets, in the 6th dimension so you can not see with your heads full of eyeballs.